Beautiful - July 15, 2009

(This was written of at my peak of my depression period. It's almost embarrasing to post this in a public forum, but the words were real, the feeling was real, and sometimes my best shit comes in the form of a not-normal mindset)

Stuck in this miserable – isolated – place by myself
So difficult – when you all you ever wanted –
Becomes more than what you could have wished for in the beginning

And now looking back – there’s no inbetween – a rock and a hard place
Distancing everything – until there’s nothing left – to hold on close to

Sometimes on the outside –
The inside’s filled with so much sanctimonious discontent –
And the only disconnect – worth fighting for – worth remembering –
Are the fallen wings on a distant angel

Its hard to look forward to waking up -
When the only thing worth anticipating is the grand finale of just another day to look down on

Because the dreams are so vivid – everyone is together – just like before – back when time would just standstill – then suddenly – the ringing of the alarm clock – is the sounding of a new day – and there’s no going back to – those feelings of yesterday

Blinded by insecurities – afraid to start anything worthwhile or not –
Because eventually, everything good always seems to go away swiftly.
It’s pointless to try if you don’t believe in the cause –
And just because you’re out of the woods –
Trees are still falling –
And if you listen closely, you’ll hear me

The pills and the drugs may help conceal sadness –
Momentarily stopping the bleeding -
But no amount of band aids - are going to heal the scars –
Norms are jaded to the point where all the once vibrant colors –
Are now simply subjectively viewed -
As painstakingly bland shades of grey –

I don’t care to go home – there’s no where to run to -
I don’t want to feel sympathy, there’s no feelings to hide –
I just want to become – a reason for others to argue upon –
Because finding attention is like masterbating –
To the point where all the feeling turns to numbness –
And the climax is a perfect nightcap –
The only vice that keeps on giving - shades of grey –
Because nothing really matters – on the grand scale of a hand me down wardrobe.