Food

food

eggs 

hot dogs

polish sausage 

bacon

avo

happiness is just a chemical 

Amongst the mass of individuals 

Underneath the vibe of effervescent tranquility lies a bed of thorns preaching Ubiquitous conformity 

What does it matter when nothing is relevant

Pushing away undermines all the weaknesses

The energy is stale like skunk weed smoked on a massive scale. breaking down doors that took so long to build. throwing away the keys that unbreak an empty heart. 

Deceptive journeys is where we start the undercover journalism. Idealistic fairytales remain aloof in the sandcastles. Sac religious to self destruct at this point, self indulgent within the noise. Notwithstanding never ending demons in the closet standing off in the sunset, like another dull day. encompassing a days long sadness, even with night vision blinders on - the picture is present, not worthy of captions. Destruction means we own our choices. Apathy when spoken about openly. All of the things you want this to be feels like i’m so far from being what you need me to be. Saying sorry doesn’t make the feelings go away.    insecure responses insincere delays

Unrepentant tendencies 

breed trifling delays 

unable to move forward

so instead we stand awkward alone and on eggshells - so far from driven  - anxious energy feels this vagrant room ,  the inbox is cluttered with misinformed news. perception is reality so why even bother deliberating over feelings that make no sense. 

Family Matters

What do you when they all turn their back on you?
Do you ignore them forever, or do you pursue
A relationship, one that used to be close
But over the years has gone sour and cold
Missing out on all the moments
And missing them greatly
Then hatred reigns over
Like why don’t they take me
Back in, why should I be the one that reaches out
Instead of pretending like I never existed
Makes me feel insignificant to the outer most limits
They say time heals all wounds
But in this case, they worsen
In the back of my mind, I was never the person
To make amends, to make everything right again
But it’s hard to give in, when your pride is uncertain
Holidays, birthdays, and all of the celebrating
Is spent without me, and nobody’s monitoring
The current state of affairs, so distant and dear
Too much resistance in my heart to have such worry and fear
That no matter how many times you try to communicate
They’ll all shun me out, with hatred and discontent
What do you do when they all turn their back on you?
Sadly it’s true, and I don’t really know how to make the best move.

State of the Union – 2012

State of the Union – 2012

It sucks having no job and living in my dad’s basement. It’s kind of hard to get girls under those circumstances. Well, nice ones anyway. Sometimes it seems like I’ll never get out of here. It’s like every time I go to move forward, I take two steps back. Officially humbled and despondent, my confidence is completely shattered. Every day I walk with my head down. The only recourse I have is working out – the gym. Every single ounce of bitterness, frustration, and anger gets unleashed on a daily basis. Sometimes I work out so hard I collapse as soon as I get home, to my nook.
It didn’t use to be this way. I used to have a good job, a hot girlfriend, and a respectable place of my own. But for some reason, I threw it all away. I’m not sure if it was accidental or intentional. Looking back, all I ever wanted is what I used to have. Looking forward, I’m a much different person now. I now appreciate all the things I used to take for granted. Things like independence and having lots of friends. Although I am broke, I am not broken. I continue to believe in God, more so now than ever before to get me through these challenges. My faith is stronger than ever. It’s all I have left. It’s the only thing that has not left me.
I can only hope and pray for better days. I refuse to let failure become a permanent part of me. Before, I wasn’t in the right state of mind to be happy. I believe that these past two years has helped transform me into the person I needed to be. Identifying with loneliness has always been something I have been able to cope with, until now. Now, I can see what I want, I know what I need, all I need to do is reach out there and grab it, and never let it go. I’ve let a lot of things go. The grass always used to be greener. But now everywhere I look, the grass has withered away and there is nothing but dead leaves on dirty ground.
All is not lost. My hope, my passion, my dreams continue to inspire to this day. The only thing I need right now is patience. And faith that all things are possible through Christ which strengthens me.
I’ve made a ton of mistakes and perhaps I should have settled on a life that I hated. I never was content with anything…I had the hottest girl in the world, the best job in the world, and lived in the best city in the world – Chicago. And now I’m stuck in the doldrums of God forsaken Byron, Michigan. Right where I was before I started my journey when I left home at 19. For the people who don’t my story, it’s been a hell of a ride. I’ve seen the world, I’ve experienced a lot of cool things, met a lot of cool people and culture, and now I’m back to where it all began.
On the outside, all seems lost. But on the inside I am content. I am as healthy as I’ve ever been. My body looks as good as it ever has. And my faith is as strong as it ever was. The only thing missing is opportunity. God please give me the opportunity to succeed, the opportunity to make a better life, not only for myself and for others. Please take away all this selfishness that has eroded my soul in the past and replace it with warmth and love.
It’s kind of funny. It’s almost as if I forgot how to love, forgot what it’s like to be loved and a part of something important. I don’t care about money or material possessions. All I want is the opportunity to prove to others that I can be successful. Right now, success seems light years away. But I know that in an instant, everything can change. Luck is for losers. Good fortune comes to those who prepare. And opportunity arises when you expect it to.
I don’t care what it takes, one day soon I’ll be back on my feet and have a nice home, job, and girlfriend. The 3 things most people take for granted are the 3 things I most desperately yearn for and strive to achieve. It’s not going to happen overnight but I’ll be damn sure if I sit here any longer and wait for things to come my way. It’s time to take life by the balls and expect good things. When push comes to shove, that’s when I kick the fucking doors down. Always have, always will. And regardless what others may think of me, I know always that with God on my side, favor will come to pass. Until then, I’ll continue to exercise – the one thing that breaks the depression, anxiety, and loneliness. Every fucking day for 2 hours a day until exhaustion. Everything else – the alcohol, the drugs, all the other vices that used to bring me down – are a fragment of a checkered past.
2011 was a rebuilding year. 2012 will be a year of success. I don’t care what it takes, I don’t care what I have to do, by any means necessary, I will continue to kick doors down until somebody lets me in. Call it wishful thinking, call it whatever, I call it an absolute necessity. I have to have this kind of mindset because it’s too easy to get down. It’s too easy to feel defeated and lost. And when life brings you down, the only thing you can do is get back up, dust your feet off, and keep marching forward. Character is measured by how many times you keep getting back up. And it’s my belief that I now have the character that can yield prosperous results, moving forward.
Right now I’m on my ass, sitting here writing about things that I want. That’s the first step. The next step is getting them. I’m halfway there to achieving the prize. However long it takes, I’ll continue to fight for what I believe in, fight for what I know I can get.
There’s a long way to go but sooner or later, I’ll be mine in no time. Bank on that.

Rose Covered Glasses

Sleeping in, dreaming of better things – better days – like yesterday – years ago –
Things were so – much better – or mabee they weren’t – the past is always looked at –With rose colored glasses.
The fact of the matter is – there’s always been suffering – everything is relative – as it relates to peace of mind – there used to be way better times – than right now – but all I can do – is march forward with a positive mindset – broke and down but not broken down – this body is looking better than ever – too bad there’s no hotties to score with – forget the scoreboard – throw it out the window – cause this is overtime – time to see what you’re made of – no more faking suggestions – corrective lenses can’t even blend the direction – only one way to go – and that way is up – when you look back at this time – you’ll never want to stop – believing – regardless of the way that you’re seeing – the world and everything in it – notice the beauty in struggling for survival – it is your vital sign, a sign of revival – nothing can stop you from achieving the best – just keep looking out for the next – promotion, depiction, karma can’t stop life from evolving – always surrounding you are angles – protection amongst all of the struggles and perils – precious moments like this – cannot be taken for granted – take my hand God and get me out of this mess – feel like life is lost sometimes in this daily grind – don’t know where to go, don’t know which way is right – it’s okay though because tonight I see the spotlight – and it’s shining down upon me – God’s light is shining and I’m spotting it – now all I can do is go to bed, wake up and try to make a difference – in a world that is bleak – but nothing right now can make me feel weak – cause I got the muscles and all these inner struggles will result in positive outcomes – making the most out of things cause that’s all I can count on.

Crazy Dream

My dad decided that I should go work for him at the barber shop he owns. He was opening a new position for secretary. Yes, a secretary at a barber shop is pretty weird but whatever. So I go in and all of a sudden, there is this church group waiting for me. They are all nice and everything and after some small talk they talk a little more about their religion. It is a branch of Catholic, they said. So I reluctantly agreed to go to one of their meetings after work that day.
They actually had an office set up behind the barber shop that my dad was renting for them. So the first thing they told me is that they have meetings every other day. Then during the meeting, they spit us up into groups of 4. I was happy that there were 2 hot girls in my group. The other member was this older woman, a very mean woman. During the meeting, they were insistent that I become more involved with their cause, all the while without getting into what the actual cause was. I was happy though because I hit it off well with the two hot girls. After the meeting was over I was actually pretty happy, and more interested in scoring with the hotties than learning more about their cult religion.
The next meeting was more than just a little bit interesting. I arrived at the office a few minutes early and walked in on a previous group having their meeting. It was weird because there were beatings going on! There were a bunch of naked people getting whipped repeatedly.
I immediately turned away to run to the door but was met by one of the hot girls I was talking with the other day. She brought me some presents – 2 pieces of cake to be exact. I didn’t know what to do other than to accept the gifts as a goodwill gesture. She then started coming on to me. I didn’t know what to do or even if it was appropriate because she looked very young, like 18. So next comes in the other hot girl and she had a gift for me as well, another piece of cake. She also looked young, about 18. She started coming on to me as well. Then the last member of the group came in, the older woman. She said that because I accepted the gifts, I had to join in as a full-on member. I didn’t know what to make of everything. My biggest concern was that the girls were all at least 18, but I was too scared to ask. Also, I noticed several scars on the girls’ body. Evidence of beatings it looked like.
We then go to a large house, a converted church office building with lots of bedrooms. The girls told me to meet them in a certain room and then they left. As I was walking around the house, trying to find each room, I accidentally walked in to this other room. Again, there was a bunch of naked people getting beaten. I was scared shitless.
I ran out of there as quick as I could. In the next room I entered, one of the hot girls was in there waiting for me. She immediately stripped me down to my boxers and started doing sexual favours. Before things got too intense, I told her I wasn’t comfortable with everything. I asked her what about God? She then got real tearful and admitted the reason why she was coming on to me was because she had been bad and this was her punishment from God. I told her she was crazy.
She told me not to tell anyone because part of the religion was to never reveal the punishments from God. It was difficult to hear this, being raised in the Christian faith but before I could get a word in, the other girl walks in. She was this beautiful red head with silky soft skin and giant breasts. We started kissing right away. Meanwhile, the other girl was sobbing uncontrollably in the corner…..All of a sudden, the mean old woman walks in! She alerts me that it was now time for confessions and she quickly lead me to this huge, open area.
A bunch of older men stood there with whips in hand and masks over their head. They were smaller in size, much smaller than me and were immediately concerned that I might overtake them, given my huge muscles or something. The mean old woman left the room and shut the door, perhaps waiting for my beating to begin. But the guys were afraid to hit me. Instead they told me God has saved me this time but next time, be ready to accept my punishment!
After a few minutes of small talk, I exited the room and started running for the door, fearing for my life. As I was frantically trying to unlock the front door, the redhead girl approached me and tried to coax me into staying. “It’s really not that bad”, she said. She offered to give me the best sex ever but I could not subject myself to the potential beatings afterword. Soon thereafter, the other hot girl approached me and started pleading with me as well. I immediately had a change of heart, and my desires got the best of me. The 3 of us go into this bedroom and we start having sex. Before I could finish, the mean older woman walks in, flanked by about 10 security guards. They raise their whips, in position to beat me unmercifully…..I’m scared shitless by this point, completely naked and vulnerable…..Then I wake up. What the hell?

No More Passion to Write about

Happiness can seem so distant
Given the resistance by these outside forces
Holding me down, refusing to let go
Of the stranglehold known as underachieving
Whoa is me – unbelievably – if I could see myself now 10 years ago
Lonely, isolated, and suffering so
Miserably, from a lack of sleep
More like a little lost sheep
Wandering, always looking for greener pastures
Opportunities have been squandered
Slow down - This is a disaster
Poetry – used to flow so freely
The creativity that used to seep out of these pores
Is gone right now, just like my outlook has drowned
In a sea of disarray – watch as it dissipates
Right down to the core – hopeless, fearful, and somewhat ignored
There’s always room for better days
But in this basement there’s always darkness
Don’t know where I’m headed
So many different directions
But every which way, the roads seem to be distant
A million miles away – just taking things day by day
With this depleting cash flow
And a body that feels like a million years old
Don’t want to end up, broke, bored, lonely and cold
Sitting on the back porch of a desolate home
No friends, no family, nobody to hold
Me up when life turns its back on me
Laughing uncontrollably, like a mischievous game of hide and seek
My biggest fears are more likely to reach
The center of all this frustration
What once was bright is now dark and dreary
A mind full of panic and utter futility
So vulnerable – no one to turn to
Where do you go when life turns its back on you?

untitled

It’s hard a long hard road, a wide open hole, crawling ever so softly, trying to get back on my own - A few ups along the way but mostly down every day, the patience is in me, but I got a lot of complaints - From being too lazy to giving up too easily, you’re not trying hard enough to get where you need to be -
Is what I’ve been told time and time again, forgoing my family and friends, just putting my dead down -
And keep marching forward. The end justifies the means, I’m not being mean, just caught inbetween – a rock and a hard place. Like I don’t even want to wake up and face a stone cold reality, 32 years old, and I haven’t got anything. No girl, no job, no place of my own. Living down like a slob, in my parent’s broken down home. Complacent in the basement, at times I feel ancient, like an afterthought, trying not to let my ill advised placement get in the way of some much needed companionship. But today was a new day and tomorrow will be better . I know that with God on my side, my faith will shelter me through the days when it rains. Working out has been helpful, like my only solace, the only kind of fortitude, the shallow shelter has become like a glue – that holds me up when life gets me down – can’t think about giving up – cause there’s so much more to be found – than what lies besides me. And what lies behind of me is an afterthought, cause I know I got better days, out there in front of me.