Top 10 College Krunkness

#10
Top 10 College Krunkness
October 2004: The Maddocks Makes an Appearance the 2 that Got Away

Ever since the 10th grade, Aaron Maddock has been one of my best boys. That all changed last Saturday in Memphis. I guess we're all grown up now and I was honored to be one of his best men for his wedding. But before he decided to catch morals, he was fuckin crazy. He still is fuckin crazy today, just to a lesser extent and for shorter durations. Anywho, we've always made it a point to get together at least once a year. This time was no different. I’m usually the one to make the trip to Memphis but that year I talked the Maddocks into coming up to Michigan. This is where the difference b/t friends and acquaintances come into play. Whenever the Maddocks and I get together and regardless of whatever city we're in, we always have a fucking blast.

The first night of the Maddock's week long stay was the craziest of them all. My buddies Matt and Joe were in Sig Eps, the biggest fraternity here at Western. SigEps was throwing a bash that night and I thought it sounded like a good idea to go there. We arrived kinda late but at least we were completely fit shased by the time we got there. Since it was so late, the crowd was beginning to die down. By no means were we going to let the number of other people put a damper on our good time…

The music was still kickin but nobody was shakin their ass on the dance floor. This is where the the Maddocks came in. He chose to break the monotony of middle school-like dance floor of the SigEps house. He quickly took center stage, spinning and twirling, and grabbing random freshmen girls and making them look like a million bucks on the dance floor.

Much to the chagrin of the conglomeration of choched out frat tools cringing in the corner,.the girls were bedazzled by the Maddocks assertiveness (aggressiveness). It didn't take long for the SigEps head choch (president) to come up to the Maddocks and tell him to tone it down a bit. Billy Badass told him alot of his boys were pissed at the way he was manhandling their girlfriends on the makeshift dance floor…

Asking the Maddocks to tone it down is like asking a blind person what color something is. Bottom line: the guys got extreme ADD and it's only going to piss off the Maddocks more if you tell him to "hey tone it down a bit buddy". After the little talk, the Maddocks only got more aggressive. He never actually fondled or touched any of the girls on the dance floor though, that's his style. He only makes it look like he is. That's how he pulls em in. That's what he told me anyway…

Whatever the case, the head choch became fed up and told us to leave. Aaron got into a verbal altercation with him. What happened next is vintage Maddocks. “Im the store manager of AT&T, I have a career. You’re still trying to find out what you want to be in life.”
How you supposed to answer that? Luckily, Matt and Joe and I came over to break up the argument. Aaron and I eventually left the lame ass party and we had a three mile walk ahead of us…

We were about two blocks away from my house when we spotted a couple of slutty looking girls who were sitting on the curb across the street. We were still pretty buzzed up so we thought this would be as good of a time as any to talk some smack. By this time, it was like 3 in the morning and we had nothing to lose, except for our pride and dignity (which would later end up being unceremoniously shattered).

We came up to them and like always, Aaron did all the talking. These two girls were freshmen and were pretty wasted. They left a party and had no idea how to get back to their dorm room. We decided to be good Samaritans and escort them back to the dorms which were about two miles away. Both these girls were into us right from the get go. It took us twice as long than it usually takes to get back b/c we were too busy making pit stops along the way. You get the idea. Why we just didn’t just go back to my house, I don’t know. Like Red Bull and NyQuil, I guess common sense and alcohol really don't mix. Anywho, we really thought we would score with these two insert your adjectives here…

On the way back to their dorm room, we decided to stop in Mickey Ds and grab a little late night/early morning snack. I suppose this is when they caught morals. While the Maddocks was in line ordering egg McMuffins with extra sausage, the rest of us went bathroom. When I came back from the taking a leak, the girls were nowhere to be seen. The Maddocks thought I was talking to them and when I informed him I had not seen the girls, he went into full panic mode.
“We have to go find them!” he said. I objected vehemently. My theory was they probably sobered up and decided to ditch us.
“Fuck that! We gotta go find them. Mabee something happened to them!” Fuck it, I decided to forgo whatever dignity I had left and follow Aaron on what I thought would be a wild (hoochie) goose chase.

We were running through the WMU plaza when we came to the east hallway. Since it was so late in the night, all the doors were locked. As their bad luck would have it, there were the two girls, frantically trying to pry open the locked door of the Bronco Mall food court.

“Hey whats up? We thought we lost you. Where are you guys going?” queried the Maddocks.
They made up some bullshit story about how one of them suddenly got really sick and puked and needed to go right away. It was so funny listening to this that I almost lost it right then and there. By now I knew there would be no chance in hell we would get any nookie out of them. But the Maddocks coaxed them to go outside and have a smoke …mabee a smoke would make her feel better?

So we go outside and have a smoke. The Maddocks and I sit down on a dirty ass curb (similar to the one we found them on) and the two girls are standing next to us. Everything is good. The girls tell us they need to talk amongst themselves so they walk about fifty yards down, huddle up, and begin to form plan B. Suddenly, both girls take off like a bat out of hell, sprinting towards their dorm room which was about 100 yards away. The Maddocks and I get up and chase after them…

We get to the front door and its locked. We both look at each other and start cracking up. Like I said, the Maddocks and I are always gonna have a good time, everyime, regardless...


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#9
Top 10 College Krunkness
Fall Semester 2005: Intro to Sociology

This is one college experience that actually involves the classroom. For the most part, class was always one of the things I disliked the most about my time at WMU. But Soc 200 was one of the few classes that I actually enjoyed going to. This is because the professor actually enjoyed teaching. He didn’t bore us with social theory or have us memorize pointless definitions. Instead, his class was like one big group discussion on various social problems confronting our society.

Controversial topics such as poverty, healthcare, white collar crime, rascism, and gender roles were just some of the many issues discussed. None of these discussions were pertinent to the test questions though. It was almost like the prof chose to devote the entire hour of class time to issues that affect us now or will affect us sometime in the future. He even made it a point to tell us he doesn’t care if we come to class or not. Since the discussions were basically irrelevant to the material we were tested over, it was pointless to attend class. We were tested on definitions from the book that we never read.

The funny thing was there was never an empty seat. People who came in late were sometimes forced to stand because all the chairs would be filled. I’ve never seen anything like this. The prof would start an argument and leave it up to us to end it. He was the perfect moderator. Not once did the prof tell us if we were right or wrong on our stand.

What made this class special was that the prof would simply point out both sides of an issue and he would leave it up to determine its subjective nature. I learned a lot in that class and so did everyone else, I think. I learned that sometimes the best way to gain knowledge about the world is not to scan through a textbook with a highlighter or to memorize definitions, but to listen to how other people view the world and the problems that they encounter when they do not have the means to live as good as the rest of us…


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#8
Top 10 College Krunkness
October 2005: WMU vs. Ball St. Home Game

During my first 2 years of college I had not attended one single home football game (WMU football that is). This was mainly due to the fact that I was either having parties at my house or going to a buddies’ house to tailgate. By the time the games started, I was usually so shit faced that going to the game itself seemed pointless since they do not serve ice cold Pabst Blue Ribbon or any other kind of alcoholic beverage at Waldo Stadium.

Besides, the Michigan game was usually on. I would much rather watch the Wolverines kick ass on TV than watch my alma matter get their asses handed to them live and in person. All that changed this year, however.

I was working an internship as a member of the WMU Football film crew. What started off as an interesting experience ended up being more of a headache than anything else. But on the plus side, I did get to actually film a couple of Westerns games. The cool thing about this was, I didn’t sit up in the press. I shot highlight footage straight from the sidelines.

I was pretty much given free access to roam the sidelines and film whatever I thought to be a good shot. This was because my boss had zero faith in me that I would be able to film from any other standard point of view, including filming from the press box.

This game was memorable because it was the best game I had ever seen, live or otherwise. WMU ended up losing this thriller after 5 overtimes and I was there to capture every minute of it! Both teams showcased their offensive firepower and WMU WR Greg Jennings had the best individual performance I had ever seen on a football field. He had something like 250 receiving yards, 4 total touchdowns: 2 touchdown catches, one touchdown off a punt return and he even threw for a touchdown.

The game was finally over around midnight and by that time the majority of the fans in Waldo Stadium had already left to go to the bars or house parties. They ended up missing a truly remarkable ending to an awesome game and after it was all said and done, I was glad I was there to witness history in the making.

Later, I filmed the post-game interviews with WMUs coaches and players and for once, I felt like an important part of the team. To see the players and coaches emotional reactions following their tight loss was something that I will never forget.

In the aftermath, they turned a negative into a positive, and the WMU football team ended up having a good season with a respectable 7-4 record. I will also never forget witnessing the spectacular playmaking ability of one Greg Jennings, and how he would singlehandedly take over games, the likes of which I had not seen since the mid 1990s when Deion Sanders used to play for the Atlanta Falcons.


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#7
Top 10 College Krunkness
Summer 2004: Dormin’ It and the S.F.S.

I owe a partial debt of gratitude to the wonderful students working the doors at the Henry, Valley I and Valley II cafeterias.

You see, I was initially disappointed because I would not have the opportunity to partake in the full college experience because I never lived in the dorms. Because of the wonderful students working the cafeteria halls as well as the scandalous shenanigans of one Chris Jukubiak, I can
now say my college experience has been fulfilled.

The first year of college is crucial. This is when many students meet the people whom they will be hanging out and partying with throughout the duration of their time at college. It was on a hot summer afternoon after my first full year of college when I was introduced to the most money-saving scam of all time: free food at the dorms.

It all started innocently enough. After a drunken night of partying, I woke up on my neighbors filthy, beer stained, living room floor. A wild night of drinking brings a great degree of hunger to everybody and this time was no different. When my neighbors Chris and Joe woke up, they were hungry as well. Their friend Megan showed up shortly thereafter and we were confronted with a crisis that almost every college student will face at some point in time. We were all starving and we were all broke.

It was at this moment when Chris let us all in on a little secret. It doesnt matter if you live in the dorms. It doesn’t even matter if you have a meal plan. As long as you have a Western ID, you can eat at the dorms for free. All you do is give your card to the student working the cafeteria door and pretend that you have a meal plan. 9 times out of 10, they don’t care if your card is denied.

What incentive do they have to stop people from eating? It’s not like they get extra reimbursement if they turn students away. Most of the time, they’ll just say something like, “Ok this is the last time I’m going to let you in” or “make sure you get your card fixed for next time.” If, by some chance, the person working the door is intent on not letting you in, all you have to do is go to one of the 5 or 6 other entrances and try the your luck again. The odds are in your favor. Eventually, somebody nice will let you in.

The first time I got in, I was beside myself. All this time, Chris was eating for free and saving a ton of money in the process. Why buy groceries when you can eat for free? So here we are, the four of us all giving the same excuse, “My card isn’t working, is there any way you can let me in just this once?”

I thought to myself, there was no way this was ever going to work. One or two of us might get in but not all four of us…The first couple times we tried, we were denied. We were all discouraged but Chris being the motivator he is, would not let this get in the way of our goal.

The third time we tried the dorm scam, the lady at the door denied us. Chris then told her that we were all members of the WMU SFS….The Student Food Services Organization. He told her she had to let us in so we could critique the quality of the food and report our findings back to our supervisor.

The lady didn’t know what to do! With a puzzled look on her face, she finally let us in. It was hard to hold in the laughter and we finally let it loose once we sat down and started pounding down breakfast. Shortly thereafter, the cafeteria manager approached our table. He knew we were full of shit but he let us eat anyway. “It was a pretty clever excuse,” he said.

Since that fateful mid-summer afternoon, I had been eating for free ever since. I took Chris’ original free food scam and patented it. Because in order for it to be successful I had to outline some of the ground rules. I don’t go everyday and I never go to the same cafeteria twice. I also rarely bring any food home with me. After all, that would be bad karma.

As my college career progressed, me and my buddy Pat McCrack would make it a point to meet up at least 3-4 times per week at the caf halls. It made for a good time for us to catch up and bullshit, plus we were eating for free which made our weekly lunchtime rendezvous even more fulfilling, full pun intended.

During my 3rd and final year of college, I had keeping a tally of how many times I ate at the dorms and how many times I was denied. The record was 35-3. Out of 38 attempts, I was only denied 3 times. I learned that sometimes the best excuse to give is an honest one. If the person asked me why my card doesn’t work, I'd simply tell them I didn't have a meal plan. I’m just a hungry college student who can’t afford to buy groceries. All in all, I probably saved around $1000 by eating at the dorms. Better than that, I made a couple of really good friends in the process.


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#6
Top 10 College Krunkness
November 2004: Fait, Cockpit Parties, and the 17 yr Old Virgin

I usually dig girls who are a bit younger than me but this time even I had to ask myself, “What the fuck am I doing?”

Number 6 on the list is actually a combination of several instances during my first year at Western. As luck would have it, my first year of college turned out great. I didn’t know anybody coming in. I was a complete random. The only people I knew at the time was my ex girlfriend whom I didn’t particularly care for, and a mutual friend who I just met a couple months earlier on Spring Break.

It was July 2003, and I was frantically searching for places to live. My ex offered to chauffer me around the area as I had a list of only 4 options or people who needed an extra roommate. Mind you, I discovered all of these openings on-line and needless to say, I was a little skeptical that I would end up in a good situation.

I remember that the first couple of options were terrible. The first option was a couple who lived far away from campus who needed a mature, quiet roommate. Scratch that one. The second option was a 19 year old skater punk who lived in a filthy shithole in the ghetto of Kalamazoo who needed four other people to help pay rent. No buys brother! The third option was 1420 W. Michigan Ave.

Once I saw the stripper pole I was sold. The 4 kids seemed to be real cool and so were their neighbors. The neighbor’s house was known around campus as “The Cockpit” and was the focal point of many memorable tailgate and house parties. During my first year, I got to know my neighbors really well as they would always throw weekend keg parties. Since they all knew me, I always got to drink for free!!

Another bonus was the proximity between their house and mine. Another bonus was, how should I say, the stupid girls who get completely plastered only to wake up the next morning, in my bed!

Well, this one time I managed to convince this hottie to come home with me. It was pretty easy to convince her, actually. Her older sister was dating my neighbor Joe. The younger sister really didn’t have anywhere to sleep, so being the nice guy that I am, I decided to share mine with her.

I remember hitting it off with her right away. We were like peas and carrots. Okay enough of the corny cliques, but you get the idea. Chalk another one up on the Marshbanks wall of shame, or so I thought. Towards the end of the night and as this girl and I were on our way out the door en route to my Queen size bed, Chris came up to me and was like, Be careful dude, shes only 17!

No way, I thought. She had tits the size of Brandy Taylor. “No way” I said to him. “He’s probably just jealous that I’m going to bang her and he’s not,” I thought.
Then Joe came up to me and confirmed what I had hoped was a fallacy. This left me stuck between a rock and a hard place, full pun intended. I didn’t want to tell her, “No you can’t sleep in my bed because you’re only 17”. That would be mean…

I would feel bad if she had to sleep on the Cockpits disgusting davenport. That couch was filthy. This was one of the rare times in my life when my conscious got the best of me. We did end up sharing my bed. However, there was no way I was going to attempt to find out what goods were lurking underneath those sexy pink panties. I was pretty drunk but I was not stupid. They say two heads are better than one but unfortunately, the two of mine were arguing all night long. In the end I made the right decision. It didn’t matter though, my friends still ragged on me for the next two weeks straight for robbing the cradle…


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#5
Top 10 College Krunkness
October 2004: Halloween Undefeated Streak and the Walk of Shame

Funny story here… Before college, Halloween was never a cause for much celebration. It probably ranked somewhere between Memorial Day and Thanksgiving. This all changed in college, however.

In college, Halloween is an event like no other. A spectacle of sorts….Halloween is an excuse for all girls – even non attractive ones - to dress up in their sexiest, sleaziest, most sluttiest outfits imaginable. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to get too creative with trying to find a good costume to wear. I had an old US Coast Guard flight suite collecting dust in the corner of my closet. Back when I was in active duty, I used to volunteer as the ‘dummy’ during some of the search and rescue ops over Traverse City. That’s how I acquired the flight suite….

On any other day of the year, I would look absolutely ridiculous in this outfit. It didn’t help matters any that this outfit was like 2 sizes too small and you could practically see the outline of my lower region stuffed ever so tightly in the one piece suite.

This is why Halloween will now be forever embedded in my memory of one of my favorite holidays of all time - Not because I enjoy having the outline of my penis and balls exposed for the whole world to see. On the contrary, I love Halloween because for one day a year, I officially become superpimp! It’s funny how it took so long for me to discover exactly how much chicks dig a guy in uniform.

I think what helped my case was the fact that I didn’t have to bullshit them. I did serve in the Coast Guard for 4.5 years. I might have embellished a bit about being a rescue swimmer and so forth, but who cares? 50% of what I told them was true and as far as I’m concerned, that’s 30-40% more truth than what I usually say.

Sorry, I got off pace a little bit…. Back to the main point. The main point is I got laid both times I dressed up like a pilot. The significance of this is that I didn’t get laid on a consistent basis throughout my college career. Sure, I pulled in a random from time to time, but it was a consistent thing. Not like I had a girlfriend or anything….

That is why this experience is so significant to me. It is also significant b/c of the not-so memorable events that took place the following morning the first time I donned the Coast Guard pilot outfit – MY WALK OF SHAME

Okay, I was at a random house party and (much to my friends’ dismay) I went back to this chick’s apartment. No worries, I thought. So we do the dirty and pass out…When I woke up the next morning, I was in total shock.

We’ve all been there before, you know when you wake up next to someone and you want to bite your own arm off just to get away. Needless to say, Im not a very good judge when I’m 15 keg cups deep. By this, I mean the chick next to me was hideous. She had a nice body and everything but her face looked like a volcano.

Okay, I thought to myself, I’ll just get up and leave. Unfortunately, I had to wake her up b/c she was sleeping under my arm – hence the whole armbiter reference earlier. At least she offered to take me home. She had to work in an hour and my house was on the way.

Fair enough. I’ll go back to sleep and she’ll wake me up once she’s ready to leave. To quote Lee Corso, “Not so fast, my friend”.

After a 10 minute shower, she comes back in the room to dry her hair. The loud ass noise of the hair dryer woke me up and there was no way I would be able to get back to sleep. What was worse than that is she was talking to me; she would not shut up.

What the hell was there to talk about you ask? I have no idea. I’m a random. She’s a random. We got wasted. We did the dirty... Anywho, her roommate overhead us talking and came in to see what was going on. So, I’m lying there naked underneath the sheets while this random is introducing me to this other random who is not cute.

What’s worse than that is she didn’t leave the room. The two of these girls were coversating back and forth for what seemed like forever and I’m sitting in this random bed with a pounding ass headache wondering if this can get any worse. Well, it did.

The random finally finished getting ready and I put my Coast Guard Pilot costume back on, ready to take that walk of shame. It was no longer Halloween, and I didn’t exactly feel like Superpimp anymore. To make matters worse, when we go to leave the room, there is her roommates’ entire family sitting there in the living room staring at me. She obviously met them all before as she proceeded to introduce me to everybody: the mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and uncle. “Hello everybody”. Bot.

After the awkward introductions, I just put my head down and hoped to God we would get to leave soon. After 10 agonizing minutes of dialogue between everybody, excluding myself, we finally left. I didn’t even remember the random’s name but she still made it a point to introduce me to her roommate and her entire family.

It would not have been nearly as miserable had it not been the fact that I was still wearing the USCG flight suite from the previous night, not to mention I probably looked like I had just escaped from a POW concentration camp!

Throughout the long drive back to my house, the only words that came out of my mouth were the directions on how to get back to my house. When she finally did get me home, I didn’t thank her or ask for her number. Hell, I didn’t even know her name. I said “I’ll see ya around.” Thank God I never did


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#4
Top 10 College Krunkness
November 2004: Option B, Jello Wrestling, the Threesome that never was, and forever ruining my chances with Jessica Simpson and the Hot Julie.

This is a good one.
One of my favorite classes of all time was COM 210: Intro to Telecommunications. Not because I liked the teacher, not because I was interested in the coursework, but because I was interested in the two knockout hotties who I sat next to.

I was really into the one who sat on my left, she looked like Jessica Simpson. No lie, this chick was a blonde bombshell. She was one of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen at Western and trust me, I’ve seen a lot. As the semester dragged on, we started talking and we hung out a handful of times after class. I knew right from the get go that I was going to have to invest a lot of time into this one because she was totally high maintenance. By that I mean she always did herself up.

This class was a 10AM class and she always had her hair and makeup done perfect and she always wore real nice clothes – high heels, the whole nine yards
Our relationship was progressing slower than I had hoped for and because of this, and because of my severe lack of patience; I chose to work more closely towards option B. Option B sat to my right and although she was a step down from Jessica Simpson, she was still a hot piece of ass.

What Option B had going for her that Jessica Simpson did not was that Option B looked like a slutty porn star. I can’t explain it, she just had that look going for her.

Anywho, the 3 of us became pretty good friends. We had a lot of things in common, we all hated the class, I liked both of them, and they both liked me. Anywho, progress with Option B was moving a lot faster than with Jessica Simpson. One day I summoned the courage to ask Option B if she wanted to hang out for a night and she was totally down. Fantastico! The weekend was coming up and my friend Kaylan was throwing a jello wrestling party at her house.

So Friday finally rolls around and my buddies Pat McCrack and Alex decided to come out as well. This was exceptionally good b/c I was going to need some backup if I was to capture this fish. Option B told me she was going to bring a friend over as well. Even better. Mabee Pat McCrack or Alex could hook up with her. Both of those guys were pretty horrible in terms of hooking up with random members of the opposite sex but if they played their cards right, mabee this could be their night!

Well, Option Bs friend was none other than this one chick my roommate Jay fucked a couple months ago! Small world…I was also pretty good friends with a couple of her friends as well, both named Julie. I actually did the dance one of the Julies a few months ago! The Julie I hooked up with previous night was the lesser quality of the two. But the other Julie, the hot Julie, was someone I was currently working along with Option B. But the Hot Julie was a challenge because she was a cokehead and I’m not….Are you confused yet?

Moving forward, the jello wrestling party was a huge hit. There were hundreds of people there to witness this event of epic proportions. Like always, the WMU cops put a damper on the night’s festivities and after only a few hours of harmless fun, everyone was forced to wonder who would win the main event of Kaylan vs. Jamie that never took place…

It didn’t matter though b/c we were all wasted and we were all going back to my house to carry the party on. Option B and I were hitting it off real well that night as my hand did not shy away from her ass whatsoever. Once we get back to my house and once the remainder of Absolute Vodka was gone, everyone left except for Alex, Option B, and her equally as slutty friend (the girl my roommate Jay fucked).

Unfortunately, the friend was not into Alex at all. Like always, Alex did not take the hint and I had to basically force him out of my house. “Live to see another day, Alejandro”, I kept saying to him as I was pushing him towards the front door.

Once I finally managed to escort Alex the drunken Spaniard off the premises, I became discouraged because Option B and her friend were nowhere in sight. I thought they left. I was happy to hear the sound of Option B’s voice when she told me, “I’m in here.” Holy shit, they’re both in my bed!!

There she was, Option B, along with ugly friend, lying in my bed, waiting for me to jump in. I snuggled in between them and start making out with Option B as I’m fondling her friend at the same time. I then switch gears and start making out with friend and fondling Option B. Then, I jumped back to Option B. After all, she was the reason why I put in all this hard work in the first place.

Unfortunately, the friend got a little jealous b/c I was paying so much attention to Option B. She got up. She picked up her phone and started calling one of the Julies. “What’s wrong?” I asked her. “Nothing” she said. “Im just calling Julie to come and pick me up. Both Julies are at this party and I’m going to go with them.”

I started to get a little irritated, impatient… “Don’t go with them. You should just stay here. Besides, those girls are bitches. One’s a cokehead and the others a walrus!” The friend just kind of laughed and continued dialing the number. She left shortly thereafter. Little did I know that she would go on to tell both Julies what I thought about them.

Hot Julie called me the next day and yelled at me. “You’re calling me a cokehead?! Fuck you Rick! You’re a piece of shit!” Whatev. It was true….It was all a joke, but it didn’t matter. My chances with Hot Julie were unceremoniously over. Damn you, Friend!

All was not lost however. I still had Option B ready, willing, and able to put out. Things were getting hot and heavy when she had a boyfriend. Immediate Buzzkill. A few weeks earlier, she told me they were officially broken up but I guess they were still together in some way or something like that..probably still fucking. I told her not to worry and sweet talked her some more. We had awesome, CONSENSUAL sex but something weird happened that night.

I could tell the next day that something was wrong with Option B. She was being real aloof and the next morning she left before I had the chance to make her my famous Marshbanks 3 egg omlette. I called her that day but she kind of blew me off. The whole next week she didn’t talk to me much in class.

I have no idea what I did to piss her off but I could tell she no longer had that same “I wanna fuck you Rick” look in her eye. To make matters worse, I think she told Jessica Simpson some shit about me b/c she acted differently around me as well. A few weeks after that night, Option B dropped the class and I never heard from her again. Jessica Simpson and I pretty much stopped talking as well and oh, by the way, Hot Julie hated my guts because her friend told her I called her a cokehead…

I don’t exactly know why or how I managed to suddenly piss off 3 hot girls at once. I guess this is one of those times when bad Karma comes back around to bite you in the ass. Oh well….At least I got some ass in the process!


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#3
Top 10 College Krunkness
January 2005: 3 Acts of Kindness, One Last Hurrah, and my Farewell Sendoff

After a long and agonizing wait, I was finally only a few weeks away from the trip of my life, 6 months of studying abroad in Wollongong, Australia! Everything was set for me to leave Michigan and the time couldn’t have come any better.

I was down in the dumps b/c I had just totaled my car the previous week during my trip to Royal Oak to visit the Adrian brothers. It was a snowy Sunday morning when my car skidded out of control and collided into the median off I-96. I honestly could have died.

I was also depressed b/c I had planned to make one last trip up to Western before I left. I wasn’t living there at the time b/c there was a month layover between the end of the fall semester at Western and the beginning of Winter semester in Australia so during the transition, I was living back home at my Mom’s house in Fenton. All it took was one phone call for my mood to suddenly cheer up.

My good friend Megan called and I told her the bad news about my car. She told me she was really sorry to hear what had happened. Then, in an act of friendship I will never forget, she offered to drive down and pick me up on Friday and to take me back home on Sunday – so we could have one last party weekend before my trip!

I was completely taken off guard by this. Megan was a good friend for sure but I never would have thought in my wildest dreams she would offer to do this. It was like a 3 hour drive from Fenton to Kalamazoo and she’s offering to do this. Wow!

Friday finally came around and Megan came in to Fenton around 6PM. She brought her friend
Lacey with her. I really had a thing for Lacey. She was a hottie for sure, and one that I didn’t think I had a snowballs chance in hell to ever get over with.

We arrived in Kalamazoo later that night. Friday night was a blast but Saturday was even better. My old roommates threw me a going away party and I got to see everyone one last time before my trip to Oz. To my surprise, both Julies ended up showing up and I was really happy I got a chance to make amends with the cokehead and the walrus.

The best day however, was Sunday. Sunday started off pretty shitty. I had a massive hangover from mass amounts of alcohol consumption and spent the majority of the day on the couch. My buddy Dennis took my old room so I didn’t even have a bed to sleep in!

Since I felt like shit and nothing was really going good for me, I decided to give Lacey a call. We hung out all weekend and even had a couple of drunk make out sessions at the bar. The plan was to ask Lacey if she wanted to see a movie that night. It was cool b/c Dennis being the awesome friend he is, offered to take me home the next day if I wanted to leave later so I basically had one extra night in Kalamazoo if I wanted it, if I wanted her….

Well Lacey was down with a movie. That’s not all she was down with. After the movie, I asked her if she wanted to come over for a little bit. She ended up staying the night with me and gave me the best sendoff a horny guy like me could ever ask for

In retrospect, I would like to express my thanks to Megan, Dennis, and Lacey. All 3 showed me incredible acts of kindness I will never forget. Thanks to Megan for picking my ass up from Fenton, thanks to Dennis for driving my ass back to Fenton, and for giving up his (my old) room for one night, and thanks to Lacey for giving me a little going away present!!


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#2
Top 10 College Krunkness
October 2003: Central/Western Weekend

This weekend was by far, the best weekend ever during my short college career. Every college has a rival. Army has Navy, Michigan has Michigan St. and Western Michigan has Central Michigan. The football game itself was meaningless (2 crappy teams in an even crappier conference) but what made this memory meaningful were the parties and random drunken shenanigans that took place during that entire weekend.

I’m no stranger when it comes to tailgating. I have been to Michigan State so many times, I am practically an MSU alumni. A lot of my friends back in High School went to State so I had all kinds of opportunities early on to catch what the extreme college party life was all about.

I must say however, I was a little concerned coming in the CMU/WMU weekend. My good friends from high school, Joe McFateridge, Nick and John Adrian, and Mike Pickover were all planning on coming up and it was up to me and my trusty WMU/Fenton High alum sidekick Pat McCrack to show these jabronis what Western life was all about. There was a lot of pressure for us. We needed to show our buddies a good time. Most weekends at WMU were pretty bland, but

I had no idea how fun of a time it would end up being.
Friday night started out great. My friends got in kinda late and we ended up going to this random house party where they had foam wrestling in the basement. Ho Hum, just an average Friday night at Western. Saturday was when the real party started.

We woke up around 9AM, which is balls early on a Sat. We had a lot of work to do to if we were to host the biggest tailgate party Western Michigan University has ever seen. We got like 4 or 5 kegs to start, a couple pounds of hotdogs, and oh yeah.a bungy run. Yeah, a fuckin BUNGY RUN!

It’s hard to explain this blown up contraption but was enormous. It took up our entire back parking lot, one in which we shared with like 4 other houses. It cost something like $400 but it was worth every penny. Besides, my roommates and I ended up making all of our money back from the $5 keg cups we charged people. I’m not good at math but lets see, $5 per cup, $400 earned = a lot of fuckin people!

I can’t begin to explain the pandemonium that took place that afternoon/night/next morning. I guess the best way to put this is, there were so many people in our house and in our yard, that you couldn’t fuckin move! That’s right, wherever you were standing currently was where you were going to be standing for the entire day, unless you wanted to mosh your way through the sea of humanity/

What happened next is all a blur. About an hour after the actual football game started, the cops stormed though on horses and began shooing people away, destroying our front yard in the process. One girl got kicked in the face by a horse. One guy got a beer bottle chucked at his head and our bathroom became a makeshift hospital bed….the bathtub was covered in blood.

Our cable box got doused with beer and was ruined. John Adrian put his hand through my bedroom window as he was tapping out from the sharpshooter (Pro Wrestling submission maneuver). Joe “fixed” the window situation using some plastic wrap and blue tape he had in his truck. My roommates and I all got noise violations even though there were CANNONS being fired off and 10,000+ screaming fans across the street at Waldo Stadium.

I lost my cellphone and we met this bum in the Burger King parking lot b/c he offered to get it back for me for a small fee of $50. The police got involved and managed to retrieve my cell phone from a waitress at a coffee sho[ across the street. John Adrian was kissing randomes all night using the infamous line, “Wanna make out?” Typical Adrian…

My roommate Marty was dancing on our stripper pole. At 2:00 am, a beer bottle slowly rolled off the kitchen counter and unceremoniously landed on Pat McCrack’s skull. Mike Pickover brought a 250 pound bodybuilder over to the house and he was doing keg stands all night. My friends ate all my roommate’s food. At 4:00 am, Joe, Mike, and myself all got lost walking back home. We were giving each other Bill Goldberg-like spears in a random grass field. I met the WMU dance team, and had three of girls in my bed at one time. Earlier that afternoon, John brought a girl back to my room where the 3 of us shared the bed. All this and much more.

Like I said, looking back, the details are pretty sketchy. What I do know is that the fun we all had that weekend was never equaled, nor has anything ever come close to that. All I wanted was to show my friends a good time. By the end of that weekend, my friends all had enough. They couldn’t get the hell out of Kalamazoo fast enough. We exceeded their expectations and more.

My friends never did come back to see me at WMU. On the plus side, I don’t think I would have wanted them to. We set the bar so high that weekend, nothing ever would have come close. Indeed, it was beyond a shadow of doubt, the number 2 most memorable moment I ever had here at Western.


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#1
Top 10 College Krunkness
Winter Semester 2005: Study abroad in Australia

Its 12pm on a work night….this will have to be continued at a later time. That’s all folks. Thanks for reading (and hopefully laughing) at some of my crazy shenanigans. Now that I’m a bit older, I can really look back and enjoy all the fun that was to be had during college! All the embarrasment was worth it@@

-rTm