random Notes - January 2011

Thanks for the memories. The ones that make me realize that my eyes were far away from the prize, looking for greener pastures that lie awake on the horizon. It always felt like my timing was off, just for a split second. But in a minute’s mistake, that proved to be the toughest disaster. Falling flat on my face, such a catastrophie. Perscription pill poppin, wishing I still believed…
In love with first sight, yeah right, mabee lustful delight. Tossing and turning cause I can’t even sleep at night. Relationships have been futile, and my attitude grows more senile, by each passing moment. Instead of holding on to them, I cheerfully let them all go. Right down the drain. Turn around, fall down and I’m back at it again, here comes the pain. Back in the rain on a lonesome dark night. Fighting for words to make everything seem alright.
God, I know that I’ll never be prosperious if I’m always searching for fools gold
This launching pad is my shelter and it never gets old
No matter how much I complain about misery. I’m still so damn thankful for you bringing me
Out of depression, in the tourcherous hell. Missery loves company, that much I can tell.
Although I’m much older than when I would first right to you.
One thing remains and that will always stay true.
No matter what, I know my faith is larger than a mustard seed.
And you told me that with my faith ever so strong, I’ll be stronger than my enemies
I’ll never give into complatency. I know I have passion, please give me the fire.
And all these lustful desires – please take them away.
Please give me the positive energy that ever so often, I’m able to proudly display.
It’s not about money, good fortune, or possessions.
It’s about finding the positive attitude that lifts me up, from the pits of depression.

Snowboarding Playlist

Straight Up  Halifax
Oh! Ellen  Gob
Easy Target  Blink 182
Give It Up  Midtown
Hurricane  Kanye West
The Part That Hurts The Most (Is Me)  Thousand Foot Crutch
Marijuana  Yelawolf
Porn Star Dancing (feat Ludacris)  My Darkest Days
The Catalyst  Linkin Park
Defend Atlantis  Flobots
Ghosts N Stuff  Deadmau5
Undead  Hollywood Undead
To Them These Streets Belong  Rise Against
The Devil’s Own  Five Finger Death Punch
Your Betrayal  Bullet for My Valentine

15 min of Written Down Fame.

Need a release cause my mind feels like it’s shredded 2 pieces
2 much stress N this life of mine, it’s fuckin anemic
This so called social life – facebooking from afar, turn my back and identify
The snakes looking 2 rain on my parade like a hurricane
All the lightin and thunder, washed away N a sewage drain
Here comes the moment where I’m supposed 2 get positive
But the only light 4 my opticals is the one that is dimly lit
No point 2 get all damn emotional, because it’s only a matter of time
For me 2 B sittin up tall, high on that pedestal

Don’t give a damn about the future, or the past tense
The present is the moment - currently looking 4 happiness

2 dogs and a cat

I got no energy to write
Nothin left in me tonight
Gonna pass out here and dream about
All the obstacles in my path
Leaping over mountaintops
Over the rainbow till I find that big pot of gold

Somedays I struggle with obscurity
She doesn’t even notice me
But I got all the tools
All I need is a platform

These ideas are golden
Holdin’ onto a promise
Nothing is impossible
When God is on premise
NO fighting, no arguments
Given in to the lonely nights
Back when denial meant bravery
And buffoonery was like slavery
Pickin those cotton fields
Toiling till the cows come home

Damn girl U caught my eye
You’re fly like a falcon
Creative and spontaneous
Cute like a button with your glasses all struttin
Down that highway and into my arms
Don’t be alarmed I’m just here rambling
I hate to gamble but this time - I’m going all in

2 No 1 N Particular

It’s 2 late 2 say I should have been
There 4 U when U needed a friend
2 lean on, a shoulder 2 cry on,
Ignored U I have, but today we shall move on
They say Time Heals All Wounds
Well if that statement is true, then my timing could use
A little better placement – because N the technology age of facebooking friends
True reason is lost – never 2 B heard from again
We can’t reenact the past – but it is possible 2 formulate a long lasting
Impression - and it’s from the pits of depression that I write this to U –
These words of congestion, confession and truth.
Your suggestions have been noted N my memories of the fondest times
Like back N the day when we used 2 get high
On life by living N the moment – better hold onto them tightly
Don’t know about U but I consider those moments golden

Message 4 My Step-Mom

Watching U die slowly
Is making me cry, feeling ever so lonely
For U.
When did we quit trying?
And when will we start fighting?
For life and exuberance
Instead of just living - under the turbulence
On the outside, we can pretend it's alright
But on the inside, it's a constant fight
I wish I didn’t have 2 bear witness
2 your disheartening conditions, examples of which are 2 numerous
2 mention, or give it extra attention
I wish I had your undivided attention, right now
Instead I have 2 write cryptic rhymes
Time after time, searching 4 words
But nothing I can say will ever make it right
What shall we do?
What kind of life has God given 2 U?
People everywhere love U
But take it from me, encouragement can be hard 2 find
When you’re sitting in bed, like a hospital bed – all of the time
Speaking of time, I keep thinking it’s only a matter of time
And that fucking sucks
Fuck all the doctors
Fuck all the pills
Fuck the prescriptions, because fucking drugs kill
They’re not making U better, they’re making it worse
And I don’t have the words 2 tell you how bad it hurts
Already in push-away mode, because why get close 2 someone
Who doesn’t want 2 get try 2 get better?
God please give us strength 2 fight through this bad weather

I keep telling myself I can make a difference
Even though, thus far things have felt so insignificant
With nothing to fight 4, it’s like I’m pacing in circles therefore -
Still living paycheck to paycheck – nothing steady on the horizon
Already heavy is my heart, beating cold like a bass drum

Creativity Killed the Cat

God give me something good to write about
It’s like the passion is all gone and I’m left searching for whereabouts
Pacing in circles, it’s like my talent is wasted
Tasting defeat, circle back and retreat
Making ends meet but I’m not on my feet
Solid ground feels so heavy, weighing my options ever so mightily
Go to bed scared because I’m so unprepared
For life after 30, no matter how much I drink, I’m still waking up thirsty
From working this dead end position – it’s not what I would have envisioned
Back in the days of milking the system, mabee it’s karma rearing ugly head