State of the Union – 2012

State of the Union – 2012

It sucks having no job and living in my dad’s basement. It’s kind of hard to get girls under those circumstances. Well, nice ones anyway. Sometimes it seems like I’ll never get out of here. It’s like every time I go to move forward, I take two steps back. Officially humbled and despondent, my confidence is completely shattered. Every day I walk with my head down. The only recourse I have is working out – the gym. Every single ounce of bitterness, frustration, and anger gets unleashed on a daily basis. Sometimes I work out so hard I collapse as soon as I get home, to my nook.
It didn’t use to be this way. I used to have a good job, a hot girlfriend, and a respectable place of my own. But for some reason, I threw it all away. I’m not sure if it was accidental or intentional. Looking back, all I ever wanted is what I used to have. Looking forward, I’m a much different person now. I now appreciate all the things I used to take for granted. Things like independence and having lots of friends. Although I am broke, I am not broken. I continue to believe in God, more so now than ever before to get me through these challenges. My faith is stronger than ever. It’s all I have left. It’s the only thing that has not left me.
I can only hope and pray for better days. I refuse to let failure become a permanent part of me. Before, I wasn’t in the right state of mind to be happy. I believe that these past two years has helped transform me into the person I needed to be. Identifying with loneliness has always been something I have been able to cope with, until now. Now, I can see what I want, I know what I need, all I need to do is reach out there and grab it, and never let it go. I’ve let a lot of things go. The grass always used to be greener. But now everywhere I look, the grass has withered away and there is nothing but dead leaves on dirty ground.
All is not lost. My hope, my passion, my dreams continue to inspire to this day. The only thing I need right now is patience. And faith that all things are possible through Christ which strengthens me.
I’ve made a ton of mistakes and perhaps I should have settled on a life that I hated. I never was content with anything…I had the hottest girl in the world, the best job in the world, and lived in the best city in the world – Chicago. And now I’m stuck in the doldrums of God forsaken Byron, Michigan. Right where I was before I started my journey when I left home at 19. For the people who don’t my story, it’s been a hell of a ride. I’ve seen the world, I’ve experienced a lot of cool things, met a lot of cool people and culture, and now I’m back to where it all began.
On the outside, all seems lost. But on the inside I am content. I am as healthy as I’ve ever been. My body looks as good as it ever has. And my faith is as strong as it ever was. The only thing missing is opportunity. God please give me the opportunity to succeed, the opportunity to make a better life, not only for myself and for others. Please take away all this selfishness that has eroded my soul in the past and replace it with warmth and love.
It’s kind of funny. It’s almost as if I forgot how to love, forgot what it’s like to be loved and a part of something important. I don’t care about money or material possessions. All I want is the opportunity to prove to others that I can be successful. Right now, success seems light years away. But I know that in an instant, everything can change. Luck is for losers. Good fortune comes to those who prepare. And opportunity arises when you expect it to.
I don’t care what it takes, one day soon I’ll be back on my feet and have a nice home, job, and girlfriend. The 3 things most people take for granted are the 3 things I most desperately yearn for and strive to achieve. It’s not going to happen overnight but I’ll be damn sure if I sit here any longer and wait for things to come my way. It’s time to take life by the balls and expect good things. When push comes to shove, that’s when I kick the fucking doors down. Always have, always will. And regardless what others may think of me, I know always that with God on my side, favor will come to pass. Until then, I’ll continue to exercise – the one thing that breaks the depression, anxiety, and loneliness. Every fucking day for 2 hours a day until exhaustion. Everything else – the alcohol, the drugs, all the other vices that used to bring me down – are a fragment of a checkered past.
2011 was a rebuilding year. 2012 will be a year of success. I don’t care what it takes, I don’t care what I have to do, by any means necessary, I will continue to kick doors down until somebody lets me in. Call it wishful thinking, call it whatever, I call it an absolute necessity. I have to have this kind of mindset because it’s too easy to get down. It’s too easy to feel defeated and lost. And when life brings you down, the only thing you can do is get back up, dust your feet off, and keep marching forward. Character is measured by how many times you keep getting back up. And it’s my belief that I now have the character that can yield prosperous results, moving forward.
Right now I’m on my ass, sitting here writing about things that I want. That’s the first step. The next step is getting them. I’m halfway there to achieving the prize. However long it takes, I’ll continue to fight for what I believe in, fight for what I know I can get.
There’s a long way to go but sooner or later, I’ll be mine in no time. Bank on that.

Rose Covered Glasses

Sleeping in, dreaming of better things – better days – like yesterday – years ago –
Things were so – much better – or mabee they weren’t – the past is always looked at –With rose colored glasses.
The fact of the matter is – there’s always been suffering – everything is relative – as it relates to peace of mind – there used to be way better times – than right now – but all I can do – is march forward with a positive mindset – broke and down but not broken down – this body is looking better than ever – too bad there’s no hotties to score with – forget the scoreboard – throw it out the window – cause this is overtime – time to see what you’re made of – no more faking suggestions – corrective lenses can’t even blend the direction – only one way to go – and that way is up – when you look back at this time – you’ll never want to stop – believing – regardless of the way that you’re seeing – the world and everything in it – notice the beauty in struggling for survival – it is your vital sign, a sign of revival – nothing can stop you from achieving the best – just keep looking out for the next – promotion, depiction, karma can’t stop life from evolving – always surrounding you are angles – protection amongst all of the struggles and perils – precious moments like this – cannot be taken for granted – take my hand God and get me out of this mess – feel like life is lost sometimes in this daily grind – don’t know where to go, don’t know which way is right – it’s okay though because tonight I see the spotlight – and it’s shining down upon me – God’s light is shining and I’m spotting it – now all I can do is go to bed, wake up and try to make a difference – in a world that is bleak – but nothing right now can make me feel weak – cause I got the muscles and all these inner struggles will result in positive outcomes – making the most out of things cause that’s all I can count on.

Crazy Dream

My dad decided that I should go work for him at the barber shop he owns. He was opening a new position for secretary. Yes, a secretary at a barber shop is pretty weird but whatever. So I go in and all of a sudden, there is this church group waiting for me. They are all nice and everything and after some small talk they talk a little more about their religion. It is a branch of Catholic, they said. So I reluctantly agreed to go to one of their meetings after work that day.
They actually had an office set up behind the barber shop that my dad was renting for them. So the first thing they told me is that they have meetings every other day. Then during the meeting, they spit us up into groups of 4. I was happy that there were 2 hot girls in my group. The other member was this older woman, a very mean woman. During the meeting, they were insistent that I become more involved with their cause, all the while without getting into what the actual cause was. I was happy though because I hit it off well with the two hot girls. After the meeting was over I was actually pretty happy, and more interested in scoring with the hotties than learning more about their cult religion.
The next meeting was more than just a little bit interesting. I arrived at the office a few minutes early and walked in on a previous group having their meeting. It was weird because there were beatings going on! There were a bunch of naked people getting whipped repeatedly.
I immediately turned away to run to the door but was met by one of the hot girls I was talking with the other day. She brought me some presents – 2 pieces of cake to be exact. I didn’t know what to do other than to accept the gifts as a goodwill gesture. She then started coming on to me. I didn’t know what to do or even if it was appropriate because she looked very young, like 18. So next comes in the other hot girl and she had a gift for me as well, another piece of cake. She also looked young, about 18. She started coming on to me as well. Then the last member of the group came in, the older woman. She said that because I accepted the gifts, I had to join in as a full-on member. I didn’t know what to make of everything. My biggest concern was that the girls were all at least 18, but I was too scared to ask. Also, I noticed several scars on the girls’ body. Evidence of beatings it looked like.
We then go to a large house, a converted church office building with lots of bedrooms. The girls told me to meet them in a certain room and then they left. As I was walking around the house, trying to find each room, I accidentally walked in to this other room. Again, there was a bunch of naked people getting beaten. I was scared shitless.
I ran out of there as quick as I could. In the next room I entered, one of the hot girls was in there waiting for me. She immediately stripped me down to my boxers and started doing sexual favours. Before things got too intense, I told her I wasn’t comfortable with everything. I asked her what about God? She then got real tearful and admitted the reason why she was coming on to me was because she had been bad and this was her punishment from God. I told her she was crazy.
She told me not to tell anyone because part of the religion was to never reveal the punishments from God. It was difficult to hear this, being raised in the Christian faith but before I could get a word in, the other girl walks in. She was this beautiful red head with silky soft skin and giant breasts. We started kissing right away. Meanwhile, the other girl was sobbing uncontrollably in the corner…..All of a sudden, the mean old woman walks in! She alerts me that it was now time for confessions and she quickly lead me to this huge, open area.
A bunch of older men stood there with whips in hand and masks over their head. They were smaller in size, much smaller than me and were immediately concerned that I might overtake them, given my huge muscles or something. The mean old woman left the room and shut the door, perhaps waiting for my beating to begin. But the guys were afraid to hit me. Instead they told me God has saved me this time but next time, be ready to accept my punishment!
After a few minutes of small talk, I exited the room and started running for the door, fearing for my life. As I was frantically trying to unlock the front door, the redhead girl approached me and tried to coax me into staying. “It’s really not that bad”, she said. She offered to give me the best sex ever but I could not subject myself to the potential beatings afterword. Soon thereafter, the other hot girl approached me and started pleading with me as well. I immediately had a change of heart, and my desires got the best of me. The 3 of us go into this bedroom and we start having sex. Before I could finish, the mean older woman walks in, flanked by about 10 security guards. They raise their whips, in position to beat me unmercifully…..I’m scared shitless by this point, completely naked and vulnerable…..Then I wake up. What the hell?

No More Passion to Write about

Happiness can seem so distant
Given the resistance by these outside forces
Holding me down, refusing to let go
Of the stranglehold known as underachieving
Whoa is me – unbelievably – if I could see myself now 10 years ago
Lonely, isolated, and suffering so
Miserably, from a lack of sleep
More like a little lost sheep
Wandering, always looking for greener pastures
Opportunities have been squandered
Slow down - This is a disaster
Poetry – used to flow so freely
The creativity that used to seep out of these pores
Is gone right now, just like my outlook has drowned
In a sea of disarray – watch as it dissipates
Right down to the core – hopeless, fearful, and somewhat ignored
There’s always room for better days
But in this basement there’s always darkness
Don’t know where I’m headed
So many different directions
But every which way, the roads seem to be distant
A million miles away – just taking things day by day
With this depleting cash flow
And a body that feels like a million years old
Don’t want to end up, broke, bored, lonely and cold
Sitting on the back porch of a desolate home
No friends, no family, nobody to hold
Me up when life turns its back on me
Laughing uncontrollably, like a mischievous game of hide and seek
My biggest fears are more likely to reach
The center of all this frustration
What once was bright is now dark and dreary
A mind full of panic and utter futility
So vulnerable – no one to turn to
Where do you go when life turns its back on you?

untitled

It’s hard a long hard road, a wide open hole, crawling ever so softly, trying to get back on my own - A few ups along the way but mostly down every day, the patience is in me, but I got a lot of complaints - From being too lazy to giving up too easily, you’re not trying hard enough to get where you need to be -
Is what I’ve been told time and time again, forgoing my family and friends, just putting my dead down -
And keep marching forward. The end justifies the means, I’m not being mean, just caught inbetween – a rock and a hard place. Like I don’t even want to wake up and face a stone cold reality, 32 years old, and I haven’t got anything. No girl, no job, no place of my own. Living down like a slob, in my parent’s broken down home. Complacent in the basement, at times I feel ancient, like an afterthought, trying not to let my ill advised placement get in the way of some much needed companionship. But today was a new day and tomorrow will be better . I know that with God on my side, my faith will shelter me through the days when it rains. Working out has been helpful, like my only solace, the only kind of fortitude, the shallow shelter has become like a glue – that holds me up when life gets me down – can’t think about giving up – cause there’s so much more to be found – than what lies besides me. And what lies behind of me is an afterthought, cause I know I got better days, out there in front of me.

Hard Times

‘Hard Times’
by Rick Marshbanks

Staring at a blank computer screen, I was sitting at my desk this afternoon engulfed in complete frustration. The apex of my frustration had to do with making money, or lack thereof. You see, I was actually making more money 10 years ago and I was also in a greater position to advance in my career than I am currently. Yes, this is hard times, indeed. But it wasn’t until after I spoke with a couple of people that I realized what hard times really was.

Every day at 3:00pm, Mike the janitor comes in and cleans my office. As a former “janitor” of sorts in the US Coast Guard, I understand the type of work that these people are subject to and I always try to make it a point to chit chat with the janitors and try to uplift their spirits. It’s a shitty job so the least I can do is to try to be really nice to them and let them know I appreciate their diligence.

I was on my way out the door to take care of some business when I approached Mike. I asked him how his day was.
“Another day in paradise”, he proclaimed.
Given that type of half-hearted response, I could easily ascertain his apathetic demeanor, it was like he was- almost in a daze. And that struck me as kind of odd because Mike is usually full of energy. It was getting close towards the end of the work day and I wasn’t really in that big of a hurry so I started probing a little deeper. A little probing turned into a near 20 minute conversation. It was only after then that I realized what hard times really was.

I quickly learned that Mike wasn’t always a janitor. He actually repaired/installed chimneys for 13 years, making pretty good money at around $18 an hour. This, in today’s bleak economic landscape, is a pretty lofty accomplishment for somebody with no “skills”. But it all went downhill for him last year when the company he worked for went out of business, leaving him unemployed for nearly 8 months. Without a college education to fall back on, the options for him today were pretty slim. In order to try to make ends meet, he took up a janitor’s job for minimum wage, which is around $7 and change per hour. If that wasn’t bad enough, his company does not offer health benefits. However, they do offer plenty of overtime, as Mike stated he’s been working 10-14 hour days for the past few weeks. The company even asked him if he could work this Saturday and Sunday, which Mike was begrudgingly willing to do. “It is what it is” he said. Painfully positive as that outlook is, that’s still hard times.

Mike is no spring chicken. I reckon he’s in his late 40’s – early 50’s. He’s got 4 kids of his own and 2 grandchildren. That’s a lot of mouths to feed. He went on to say that his last paycheck was around $800. Yes, that’s two week’s worth of work, which is slightly higher than what the state of Michigan offers for unemployment benefits. Mike went on to say that his take home was only $350, due to more than half of his pay going to his ex-wife for child support.
“Yep, they screwed me again” he proclaimed with a chuckle.
All chuckling aside, that leaves him $50 short for his rent this month, which he told his landlord he would have the money for him today. Hopefully for Mike, his landlord will be able to cut him a break.

The irony was, it as hard as I tried to interject with a little bit of hard times stories of my own, I was not able to match the ones I was hearing. Here’s a middle aged man with a wealth of specialized experience but no college education working 10-14 hour days, 5 to 7 days a week, getting crappy pay, having to support a family, and still showing up every day with a paper towel in one hand and Windex in the other; ready, willing, and able to work.

“Every day, I’m online putting my resume out there, but I haven’t had any responses. Everybody wants a degree plus 10 years of experience. It sucks. I just don’t have that.”
That’s for sure. Forget Michigan’s economy. That’s hard times wherever you live.

That conversation really opened my eyes. It was then that I really realized that suffering is relative and so are hard times. What one person considers hard times, 10 others out there would die to be in the same situation, or to be given the same opportunities. My epiphany came full circle as I was actually kind of grateful to be given the opportunity to be employed.

A few minutes after Mike and I spoke, I returned to my desk. I grabbed a stack of paperwork and headed to the lab to speak with Lisa, one of the Hydrologists, about a travel claim she had submitted. Lisa is one of the lead scientists in the department and works a lot with the new hires. After a bit of small talk, I finally asked her about the specifics of what she does and what the company looks for in new employees. I was also interested in the credentials of these scientists that work under her. They all seem so smart and I just assumed everyone was making really good money.

“Last year, the government put a hiring freeze on the entire division. We had a lot of people quit and many of the students got their degree and decided to work elsewhere. I really can’t blame them” she said. She went on to say that because of the hiring freeze, all new employees had to be hired as TERM (13 month appointment with an option to extend to 2 years).
“That was my case”, I told her. “I was hired as a TERM.”

She went on to tell me that right before I came onboard, the government was actually trying really hard to eliminate the admin position altogether, in effort to save on resources. For example, they wanted employees in other parts of the country to take on the added responsibilities of the Lansing admin office.
“Your supervisor had to submit a proposal to keep the position active, and then it had to go up the chain of the command to the director, and then finally to OPM (Office of Personnel Management). After a long waiting period, they finally got the approval to keep the position alive as a TERM appointment.” I actually felt pretty damn lucky to be the one selected for such an offer.

I asked Lisa if everyone hired within the past year was TERM. She responded by saying that there is this other category of employment (I can’t remember the acronym for it). Basically, it’s categorized as “as needed”. The theory is that if work is needed, then they can bring you in for hours. But the division is so short staffed as it is, that everyone just works full time. The caveat is, those people are not eligible for health benefits or earned leave. They just show up for work every day with the agreement that at any time, they could be sent home for an undisclosed amount of time.

“What kind of people of people would possibly accept this type of employment?” I asked.
“Oh, grad students, young scientists, and even experienced people that already have their masters or Ph.D. You should see the applicant pool. It’s rather large. Anyway, they are brought in as a GS5, but they are able to advance to higher steps within the pay grade rather quickly.”

Yes, if you are an experienced scientist with your masters or Ph.D., you might be able to come on for work for $30,000 with option to advance to $40,000 a year without benefits. The sad reality is that this does not only pertain to the government sector, it’s prevalent throughout the private sector as well. Welcome to the American Dream, in 2011.

“Wow, hard times” I said.
“Yeah”, she responded, “Hard times indeed”.

Writer's Block

Nothing good to write about
Just watching time tick down
As the boredom sweeps right through the room
My whereabouts are down
Seeping the life right out of my veins
The complacency remains
And all that’s left is me second guessing
Which road will lead to fame?

Working out till the brink of exhaustion
Every waking day
Cause without working out there’s no point getting up
More than words can say
Daydreaming for a better tomorrow
These dreams are broken and so fucking hollow
Like who to care for, who to follow
Down this yellowbrick road

Writer’s block forget me not
I don’t understand now
I thought freedom was free?
I paid the price, I’m just trying to write
But everything seems to get deleted in vein
Trying to broaden my vocabulary
It’s gotten to me, involuntarily
Subconscious thoughts keeping me up
It’s time to start over brand new and fresh

No matter how bad it gets I know God is right by me
Throughout these trials he’s right there beside me
And I might fall down from time to time
But I’ll never stop trying
To make this ship sail straight
Right through the narrow corridor
And into the winds of change
Cause I know there could be so much more
Than what I have to currently show for
An empty bank account, an empty stomach
But on the inside, I’m content
I got my problems, hey everyone’s got them
Mine are just condensed